Nickname Fame

Lets talk about nicknames, huh? The rules are pretty clear. 1) You can never give yourself a nickname 2) Rarely do people like their nickname at first but they grow to embrace it. 3) A good nickname must be easy to yell in a crowd or while hanging out the window of an accelerating car or train. 4) A nickname should fit between the first and last name your parents gave you. 5) If the nickname makes reference to your appearance then it must be in an ironic way, with the exception of "Red" which has been grandfathered in.

Someone is always allowed to build a nickname for you off of something you have said, this is not a rule as much as a method. You should always keep track of what you say and "own it" when you put two words together that don't belong or rename a city or street accidentally, as these are the most common origins. Anyone over the age of seventy is automatically allowed to nickname you, they are also not required to remember the name they give you, often those nicknames are single use, so don't run out and put it on your jersey if its a good one.

Never put your nickname on a license plate on your car. You are however allowed to use it in the name of a boat. Red's Doll or Buzz'z Deep Diver. Nicknames shouldn't be slung around like some full sack of corn. People hate name droppers especially when some Jocko keeps dropping his own name like it means you understand how he did those twelve keg stands at the last home game to earn an upgrade from his previous nickname Skippy.

If you end up with a nickname that may lead to fights, then you best get good at fights or stare downs or you need to hook up with a wingman or sidecar that has a worse nickname than you. I recommend you find a guy named Rosie or a woman named Carl. Don't pick a fight with anyone named Rosie or Carl. Either of them will likely know how to fight and will take the heat off anyone noticing how your nickname refers to your incredibly high ears. I am just saying nicknames come from weird places, I think your ears look fine.

Never ever get your nickname tattooed on yourself and probably you should prevent other people from branding themselves with your name, a pictorial reference is allowed. Never name your child a nickname when they are born, its rude to do other peoples work for them and it cuts out the fun, its also fascist. Don't be a fascist. There are very few nicknames for fascists and you don't want either of them. Babies are always good receivers of nicknames, but you shouldn't hold them to those names, allow the name to grow with the child. Often this is where the uber crafty deep identity names come from.

A nickname that is built over twenty or thirty years, layers of nicknames that tell an entire story in one word is something to strive for. Don't question the authenticity of a name built in this manner. Statements like "But you don't look like a Cardinal?" or "D-Top, but what does that have to do with Jennifer?" are stupid questions and if you ask them, you should realize there is only one source for stupid questions. And not coincidently going after one of those super deep identity nicks will usually land you a new one of your own, one you may not like very much, Captain Boris Unoriginal Von Critical. Because if there is one thing people with twenty year nicknames know its how to swing that particular axe.

Last but not least never out some ones nickname if they introduce themselves by a name you previously never heard, not in the twelve years you have known them did you know Denver's real name was George. It’s rude of you to say something totally bro-onic like "but we all call him Denver, aint that right Denver?" If he didn't give them his nickname its because he doesn't like them as much as he liked you, right before you dropped that sack of awkward on the floor.

So in closing, don't rush it the nickname will show up. Just be patient and keep mixing your metaphors and it will be on a nametag waiting for you at the front desk before you know it.

Most Sincerely


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